Ridges, Splotches, and Eruptions

It took me a long time to notice that ridges had appeared down my once-smooth shins. Eventually, I noticed that I had ridges on two of my fingernails. Why on those two and not the others? Even worse, one of them has a black line that can't be rubbed off.

Recently, there have been annoying, itchy red splotches on either side of my chin. I have found a cream that makes them disappear -- but only temporarily. Other marks come and go. Some come and stay. Pimples and blackheads no longer come, but at least they could be counted on to dry up and drop off. My new "add-ons" in my senior years don't necessarily ever drop off or disappear.

My mother and her side of the family were petite and didn't struggle with weight. I favor my father's side of the family where the women tend to the Russian peasant shape. I always thought of myself as fat because, to my mother, I always was. In fact, old photos show me as an okay weight for much of my teen and adult life -- until menopause, that is. Since I lived in Asia most of the time between 1988 and 1997, I was used to thinking of myself as fat because Asians aren't. However, when I'd come back to the U.S. to visit my parents, I noticed how fat Americans were becoming. When I eventually returned to live in the U.S., I saw myself as overweight. However, the Body Mass Index gave me a classification of obese. That horrified me.

Now, about 16 years after menopause, in spite of Weight Watchers, in spite of eliminating "bad" foods, being careful about portion control, eating less than I want and exercising far more than I want, I have remained just about the same BMI obese weight. It's been easy on the clothes budget, albeit boring.

However, there is one special time when I come in contact with the thin person I am sure is inside me. I take yoga twice a week. One class is an energetic pretzel-type yoga. The other, a relaxing yoga, allows me an enchanting 90 minutes to connect to the thin me inside.

A friend recently sent me an e-mail with a photo of a nude "child of the 60s" now in her 60s. I guessed she was about my age and weight. Although the effects of gravity have long been proven, they were glaringly obvious in this photo. Her stomach particularly drew my attention. It looked so much like an erupting volcano with lava dripping down the sides. Except for her gray hair and the tattoos still clinging to just about all her body parts, I saw we looked uncomfortably similar.

The Computer and the Filing Cabinet

My computer managed to do much more efficiently and quickly what I have been thinking about for a few years, but never managed to do. It destroyed all my files -- without emotion, without wanting to designate which files should be saved because they might be used in the future, were interesting, or had nostalgia attached to them.

So, my old-fashioned filing cabinets remain filled with nicely labeled manila folders and a variety of facts and "stuff," some quite old and outdated, that I may or may not ever want or need again. And, I am faced with a decision I wasn't ready to make about "confronting technology" once again. Seven hours of talking to tech support in India left me very tired and frustrated. The last tech support person recommended trying to save my computer files if possible, and then buying a remote control "recovery" program and then re-installing programs. When I said I needed time to think about it, he said he'd call me the following day. He did -- at 5:30 a.m.! Apparently computer sense doesn't give one common sense. Since the computer is just about an extension of his fingers, how hard would it have been for him to find out what the time was in California?

In most ways, I'm a straightforward person. But computers have taught me to duck, weave, and find a way around the straight on approach when I can't determine what "the right way" is. Some things seem not to matter. For example, my computer says "going to sleep" just before it turns on, but it turns on anyway. Other things it says, it means.

Although I have seen old people in my retirement community hum ahead with computer technology in amazing ways, the combination of more and higher technology presents an on-going challenge in my life. I am happy driving a 1993 car that doesn't give me too many surprises. I have a Jitterbug phone for people who don't know what to do with those many special features. And I never have to worry about it ringing in places it shouldn't because I only turn it on when I need to use it. For no reason any Jitterbug personnel can understand, it always takes dialing twice, rather than once, to make a call.

So, I cope with technology by forgiving it when it doesn't work as it is supposed to, finding an alternate way to do what the straightforward way doesn't accomplish, paying for someone else to make it work, or just deciding it's too much trouble.

Hmm! Old computer recovered? New computer? Desktop? Laptop? Well, I never really thought I could publish a book with iUniverse by doing everything on-line. But I did. I never really thought I'd be able to have a blog. But I did (http://blogs.bootsnall.com/zima) and now I'm stretching out into new territory with this blog. And yet, an electric typewriter, an electronic typewriter (anyone remember those?), a word processor, and two Web TV receivers still clutter my storage. Perhaps it's time to move on.

MEET THE SENIOR HUMMINGBIRD

Ever wonder what happens to a middle-aged hummingbird when it gets old? I spent the best years of my life as a middle-aged hummingbird traveling the world -- Israel, China, Taiwan, Macau, Bali, Korea -- and those were only the places that I stayed long enough to live and teach. In 2006, I published a book, Memoirs of a Middle-aged Hummingbird.

During 2005, when I was writing the book, I relived those years through the details of the journals and letters. Sights, faces, smells, tastes, and experiences returned to me in vibrant, overwhelming profusion. My past and present blurred until daily chores and activities became burdensome, annoying distractions from writing. The present dimmed, my past took over, and the future went blank.

Wanting to write the book was my motivation for getting a computer and hiring someone to teach me Microsoft Word. Learning the computer skills of writing and then publishing the book through iUniverse, setting up a website for the book at www.zimatravels.com and local speaking engagements kept me busy after the book was published.

Eventually, although engaged in a variety of regular activities and daily exercise, I began to feel stuck. I had paid homage to my unusual and interesting past with the book, spent over a year doing a blog with mostly excerpts from my book on a travel website (can be accessed from www.zimatravels.com) , and did some domestic travel, but my sense of a future remained mired in the unknown. What would come next?

I spent too much time worrying about my health and money, my money and my health. Although I have no major medical problems, I fell twice in two years, breaking the left kneecap the first time and the right kneecap this past summer. I see daily exercising as damage control for aging rather than actually physically progressing in anything. I failed Weight Watchers. I lost 10 lbs. in the first four months, and then spent 3 years going up and down a few lbs. I have become discouraged fighting food every day.

At last, I'm beginning to sense a shift in my state of inertia. It's not really a long term plan, but it feels like some forward momentum is starting. I contacted a family that had shown interest in renting out my home for 6 weeks in the spring. If that plan succeeds, I'll have enough money for airfare back to Asia where I want to see several friends in China, Taiwan, and Singapore. I also plan to go to Bali -- perhaps my favorite place in the world. But more about that later when going is assured.

And I've decided to begin this blog, trying to make sense of these so-called "golden years," which seem rather tarnished to me. What to do with the time I have left? How to make them, if not as exciting and fascinating as my middle-aged years, at least meaningful and interesting? It's a question I believe many seniors face when mortality is creeping up and our lives are winding down.

My death has already been arranged -- cremation, ashes to the sea to keep traveling the world as I loved to do. But it's the in between time, between now and then, that I'm curious about. I am an older version of that middle-aged hummingbird with feet planted firmly in mid-air who hovers, drinks deeply, and then flits away, perhaps to return. I'm still an independent creature who likes to live life intensely. And, I still like to wander, wonder, and write.

I invite you to follow me on my senior hummingbird geographical, physical, emotional, and spiritual journeys to come.